Analog/Digital Sufurias

Fellow Kenyans, how do we reconcile budgeting for the world’s most expensive election 5 months after the most devastating famine to hit the horn of Africa region in recent times? How is it that we can even imagine building such a thing as Konza City, the so called Africa’s silicon savannah when it takes three whole days to drive 800km to Mandera?

Maybe answer to this is that we are ambitious people. Just maybe. To be fair, ambition is not a bad thing. In fact I think it’s the very reason we have come this far.  But in many respects I think our problems in Kenya can be best explained by the “cart before the horse” analogy.  We are stuck struggling to solve first world problems in a third world country.

My un-educated Sufuria is sick

If you ask me, the real cancer of successive Kenyan governments has been the reliance on the philosophy of reactive management. It seems to me that with almost everything in our great country the KE government is always acting after the event.  It’s almost as if there are no statistics, no intelligence no rumors , nothing to help people plan for things. It’s just amazing.

I mean if you look at any sector across our economy you are likely to find myriad situations where the KE government is caught absolutely flatfooted. The annual flood and drought famine issue are the best example for this, but the hardest hit sectors are surely without a doubt education and healthcare.

Solutions for The Matatu

Here’s the thing. There is no country in history that has grown their economy without having a highly efficient transport system.  Kenya will not be the first. For the avoidance of doubt, the matatu  is actually the antithesis of a transport system. It’s unreliable, extremely inefficient, overly susceptible to the weather, energy intensive and quite simply unsustainable. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against the idea of the matatu being an important urbane cultural symbol that should be preserved and revered, I just think that when it comes to transport, form MUST follow function.

Several years back, Mir Michuki had a crack at sorting this mess out and in my humble opinion he did quite well for himself. Too bad he was clueless and his analysis of the problem was intrinsically flawed. You see, public transport is really just about efficient movement, comfort is a secondary concern. The second reason Michuki’s plan failed to hold was that he assumed the matatu situation was unique to Kenya. It’s not. Every other country that has an economy similar to ours has the same problems. Bogota, Columbia’s most populous city is however the first to actually transform the matatu into one of the most efficient transport systems in the world.

How did they do it?

Step 1: Market Research

PRESIDENTIAL SUFURIAS SSn 1

10 things Kenya’s next president MUST do (In my humble opinion,)

1.      Forget his mother tongue

Seeing that successive Kenyan governments have governed the country in “mothertongue”, this will be his hardest task.  That said, if Kenya wants to move away from this ethnic cocoons that we are building the new president will have to very vocally and boisterously govern from the middle.

It's Vision 2030 OR KPLC. We can't have both.

Let’s put it plainly. In this century, at least in my own opinion, the key to success or failure in economic advancement is energy. Technology may come a close second, but with the advent of the “open source-open use” ideology and the growth in the relevance of social media in business, there is little or no chance that any one entity, or country, can have any kind of monopoly on technology. I mean, an innovation today in the US will land in Nairobi within a day or maybe two at the most. In fact in some cases we are actually ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to tech stuff. If you don’t agree then maybe you have never heard of a thing called MPESA. Still, this is another discussion altogether.

This great country has the biggest economy in the region and the most potential to achieve the much touted “African Tiger” status but we run literally on air. Between KPLC and the ERC we have designed the perfect system for failure. In fact, things are so bad that KPLC themselves have a stand-by generator. (!) It’s not that they are on a mission to frustrate us but rather that they are completely incapable to deliver.  That’s just it.

Sufuria-scopes

If your name is Somebody Mboya, then you will meet JF Kennedy, write some great economic policies and be shot down in broad daylight in the CBD and your alleged killer will enquire about “the big man”.

If your name is Somebody Kariuki, then please see above and edit to suit your special circumstances

If your name is Somebody  Ouko, then see Kariuki and Mboya above. Add that you will do all the above to yourself (at least according to the official report) and that afterward you will fly your own charred remains to Got Alila and dump them there. No word on what happens to chopper after this

If your name is Somebody Rudisha, then you will break the World Record twice in one week but sadly will not adopt a cheater or take pictures with the president. You will do a KIWI add.

If your name is Somebody Murungi, or Somebody Murugi then you are unbelievable. Really.

If your name is Somebody Mutua, then you will bring a whole new meaning to the term “Sarah Palin”

If your name is Somebody Kasavuli, then you will be drop dead gorgeous for a very long time. 

No one is ever simply “Kenyan.” (Part 1)

Many years back Michael Joseph found the most apt description for the Kenyan people that the English language can muster: peculiar.  It caused uproar back then but in retrospect, and at least in my own humble assessment, this understanding of the “Kenyan”, amongst many other things was the genius of the man.

The “Kenyan” is special. There is nothing comparable to it. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that the “Kenyan” is so special, so unique in character, form, color and function that, remarkably, no two Kenyans are alike. To describe someone as simply “Kenyan” is a complete waste of time and betrays a lack of knowledge of our character. No one is ever simply “Kenyan.”

Sufuria Mathematics - the numbers are "peculiar"

Kenya’s total area = 582,650sq km.

Given that there are approx 38,000,000 Kenyans in our beloved country,

Each Kenyan is entitled to a plot of land measuring 0.0153329 sq km or 3.7888421034978994 acres (plus or minus allowances for lakes, rivers etc etc).

We now have 47 counties but we are scared of leaving our 8 provinces as it was easier to convert provinces into tribes

Our Total road network is 63,942 km. Only 12% is paved.

Our railway covers 20,818km, same as it did when they completed it in 1905

We have 11.1 cars for every 1000 people.

We have 3 international airports, 3 “other” airports and 150 airfields.

We collectively go through 30 million condoms a month

Tafakari ya Kibaki

Do you like president Kibaki?

Do you like the way he has run our country?

Do you think Kibaki won the election in 2007?

Do you think Kibaki lost that election?

Do you think Kibaki even wanted to run in that election?

Do you think Kibaki enjoys being president?

Has the Kibaki presidency united the Kenyan people?

Has this presidency scattered us?

How many wives does Kibaki have?

Do you think Kibaki loves Lucy unconditionally?

Privatisation of Energy is like a sufuria on my head

Generally, if you have lived in Kenya at any time in the past 25 years, then you are aware that the GoK has probably the worst imaginable record as far as management of any kind (and of anything) is concerned. We appoint our houseboys to lucrative parastatal jobs, and regularly use any revenues accrued from these parastatals to buy socks for our children who are enrolled in “proper” schools abroad. Any losses are simply written off, or offset by printing more money. Needless to say that our energy and communications sectors are among the worst hit by this cancer, that had reached the highest stages during Moi’s latter years in power. As a response to this, we have a new found fanaticism for privatization, which in my opinion, is intellectual poverty of the highest degree. Don’t get me wrong, privatization is great, but as America showed us over the last few years, the free market can be extremely brutal and unforgiving.